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  • Sincerely, Courtney

Failure Journal Guest #2: Jemma Hadley

Jemma reached out to me via Instagram right around the time that I had posted my second Failure Journal. One way or another, she had discovered my writings all the way from Australia (I was blown away that she had stumbled across it somehow!) and something about the celebration of failures resonated for her. What I thought would just be a word dump of my failures on a blog, has turned into a beautiful online friendship with occasional Skype dates. (Also, we share the same birthday!! What are the chances!) Anyways, here's this lovely human beings outlook on failing to be authentic with yourself. Something that I (and I'm sure many others) has struggled with often. Thank you Jemma, for being so open and candid, I am blessed to be able to feature you on my platform. (If you'd like to see more of Jemma you can find her on Instagram at either @Take_That_Broadway or @LimeLightLiterature or Youtube at Limelight Literature)



Shoutout to my girl, Courtney, for inviting me to join in her entries of the Failure Journal! I love reading these journal entries she and guest writers share, it's really something unique & special to be celebrating our failures in such a liberating and open way. I'm honoured to write a little something about the failures I've experienced and learnt from. Failure; it's a weird concept when you think about it, it's a negative but it's a false negative at that. Without failure we wouldn't be able to achieve success. So why are we all so against this idea of failing? We should be accepting it instead! It's part of the norm, of everyday life, we all experience it so why don't we accept it for what it is? Gosh, if I had a dollar for every time I've experienced failure, I'd be rolling in it! But I wanted to focus on a particular aspect of failure that has been playing on my mind a lot as of recently. I've failed at being honest with myself. Now, I know that may sound a bit odd but hear me out. All throughout our younger years, through our teens, into our twenties and so on, we're always told "be yourself, that's all we ever want you to be". It's not quite like that though. Because we never truly know what it is that people around us want us to be. I personally struggled a lot with this through high school, never quite fitting in, always feeling a little unsure of who I was. I knew I was a "people pleaser" as such because let's face it, I was a bit of a 'suck up' to my teachers, and I always wanted to make my friends & family happy. It's interesting looking back on that aspect of my life now and in hindsight I've realised that I never really was "myself", I was the version of me that I thought people wanted me to be. And that wasn't only at school, it was the same at home. I felt this need to impress those closest to me, to make them smile and have this good perception of me with no negative connotations. In short, I never wanted to be a burden. So to avoid that, I'd put on what I would refer to as my "mask". I'd hide my own true emotions, the bulls*t going on in my personal life and put on this mask to become a different person. I pretty well took my 'acting cap' with me wherever I went and would change it to suit whoever I was with. It was a toxic relationship that I had with myself - one that for the most part was built on lies. And as much as I'd love to say it got better. It did. For a little while anyway. But it still resides in me to this very day. But through the love and support of those nearest and dearest to me, I'm taking baby steps each day towards learning to be honest with myself. I'm allowing myself to feel my emotions instead of pushing them aside and letting them build up to breaking point. I'm finding ways of releasing said emotions, I go to the gym, dance around like a goof, bake treats for my friends and put a good ol' pen to paper in order to release it all. Around others, I'm starting to listen more when they say that they love me for me, want to see me happy but will also be there to help pick up the pieces when it all falls apart. It really is so precious and important to surround yourself with people like that, a good group of people who will be there with you each step of the way. They say a good relationship is built on trust, open communication and honesty. That doesn't only apply to romantic & platonic relationships, it applies to you, too. The relationship with yourself is so vital, it is always going to be the most important (and longest) relationship you'll ever have in your life. You'll have your ups & downs, your internal battles to fight, your journey of self-love, discovering who you are and what you want to be. It's going to be a crazy ride, but you'll never be alone.

If you have a Failure that you would like to share please get in touch with me on Instagram, @SincerelyCourtney or send me a direct email at Courtney.fedevich@gmail.com

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