Journal Entry #3: A Letter to My Lovers
Updated: Mar 17, 2020
Alright guys, I am blown away by the support that my Failure Journal has received. I want to continue this movement by encouraging you to use the hashtag #failurejournal (and tag me!) in any upcoming blog posts or instagram posts that you write about a failure that you have lived through and learnt from. AND if you have a failure that helped shape you into the wonderful person that you are today and want to share it on my blog, please get in contact with me! (I can also post anonymously for you if you wish!)
Now, this Journal entry is a TOUGH one for me to write...
A lot of the things I'm about to write I've never truly reflected on because as we all know, heartbreak is a painful experience that we often don't want to relive. HOWEVER, it definitely shapes us. We take the things that we learn in our previous relationships, the things we look for in a partner and the things we try to avoid, and we apply those on our search for our next love until eventually we find "the one".
Now I know not everyone needs to do a whole lot of searching to find their "soul mate" but it is incredibly rare that we find them right away. It takes a lot of growing, changing, adapting and learning usually to find your perfect fit. So if you haven't found them yet, do not stress! Maybe you're still growing, or maybe your person still needs time to learn about themselves.
Here is my letters to my past lovers... They may be difficult to understand because I don't want to offer too much detail. Create whatever story fits best for you and you may understand what I'm trying to say.
I have had 3 big loves in my life. The first one, was a boy from Detroit. Here is my letter to him:
To The Boy From Detroit,
Thank you for being there for when my family was shattering around me. Our relationship was an unhealthy distraction to the problems that I was facing at home. I opened up to you and trusted you whole heartedly, but for what; to be pushed around and used? You convinced me that you were my rock, and trust me you were. You were a rock that held me down under the water as I panicked and gasped for air, constantly pulling me deeper and deeper into your dark blue ocean until you were all that consumed me. You prayed on me because I was young and naive and although you were still young as well you were smart and cunning.
But I am not your victim, because how can I fall victim to someone who is a victim themselves. You were broken, and so you tried to break me too. It wasn't until I was 16 that I realized the "Bonnie and Clyde" type of relationship was NOT healthy or concrete, because how can I play Bonnie for a Clyde that has 5 other Bonnies by his side.
3 years pass as I tell myself that I am the problem. I definitely had my own demons but I didn't deserve to hold on to yours too. But boy was I strong. Deep down I always knew what was happening was wrong. Every time you told me I wasn't enough, I knew you were wrong.
It wasn't until I ran to the bathroom in grade 11 to check my phone and saw a text message from you that read "I fucked her, so we're over." that I realized I needed to run as far away from you as I could. I broke down in that bathroom stall. It was as if years of pain, confusion, and agony were releasing. The only man that I could trust was my father. He came to my rescue and marched through the school to pick up what was left of me off of that bathroom floor. How could someone that made me feel so whole also make me feel like nothing but a shell of a human.
Like a child holding onto a butterfly, your grip began to get tighter and tighter, as you crushed my spirit. Your biggest mistake was opening your hand and releasing your grip for one split second. Because in that second, I ran.
I blocked you on everything. By then, we had thousands of miles between us so I knew you'd never find me. I disappeared. I began to heal.
Now listen, I don't hate you. As I said before, you had your own demons too, and I definitely made mistakes. You needed something that I wasn't strong enough to give you. You taught me that love isn't supposed to be painful. You taught me that you can't fix someone who doesn't want to fix themselves. You taught me to that I still needed to know my worth. You taught me that I needed a partner I could trust. Thank you. I truly appreciate the time that we shared, although not all of it was beautiful, some of it was. The good, and the bad, shaped who I am today, so thank you.
Sincerely, Your Past Lover, Courtney
This next letter is the hardest one for me to write. This boy was there as I sorted through a lot of my pain, as I healed, and as I began to flourish. He is a good guy. To this day, I have nothing but care for him. This was the boy who watched me grow, and here is my letter to him.
To The Boy Who Watched Me Grow,
I'm sorry. I feel as though because of my lack of honesty with not only myself, but with you, that I have wronged you. We grew up through some of the most confusing times as teenagers together. We had each other. We were best friends. We laughed often. But, as we grew up, we tried so hard to hold on to what we had. Even though we both felt it slipping away.
We pictured a future together, but as we began to grow up, we grew apart. We both played into our "dream". So much so, that we forgot to focus on who we are as individuals.
I didn't want to be the one to break your heart. I never imagined it going that way. You became anxious because you knew it was coming. You probably knew it was going to happen before I even realized it was something that I had to do. We became spiteful, jealous, and fearful that we were slipping apart. You began to fear when I would go out with my friends, talk to other boys, or not respond to you in a timely manner. You knew it was coming, but you tried so hard to postpone it.
It's ironic actually, your fear of losing me made you become someone that I didn't recognize. When I began to not recognize the boy I fell in love with.
I knew it wasn't fair to hold on to you. I needed to let you go, but I was scared. What would my world be without you. I knew that I was forcing you into a world of comfort because I was scared of change. But I needed change. Something deep inside me was screaming for change.
And so, I broke your heart. The look on your face will haunt me forever. I was causing you pain and I never imagined doing that to you but it had to be done.
You stopped eating, you felt nauseous constantly. I was no longer yours.
But you survived. You accomplished all of your goals. You pushed through your pain and demanded that life go your way. I couldn't be more proud.
Thank you. Thank you for teaching me that people change. For teaching me that you can't be jealous just because of fear. For teaching me that people can grow apart and that's okay. For teaching me that honesty and communication are the most important structure of a relationship and without it, a relationship will not succeed.
I wish you nothing but the best. I want to see you succeed. And I'm sorry that I hurt you. Please don't hate me.
Sincerely, Your Past Lover, Courtney
This next letter, is not to my past lover but to my current. A man that is my soulmate.
To My Soulmate,
I can't believe I've found you. I've never been more sure of anything in my entire life. You were so worth the wait and the heartbreak. I only wish that I could go back in time and tell the broken 14 year old version of me that I would find you.
You are better than I ever could have imagined. It's as if some higher power created a copy of my soul and made a few small changes and created the oh so wonderful, you.
You have lived through things that shaped you as a person, just so that you could be shaped into the perfect person for me.
Our goals align for years, our visions for our future are ones that we are both excited to turn into a reality.
I know you think it's funny when I use the word "partner" rather than boyfriend but THAT'S what you are MY PARTNER. You're more than a boyfriend, I've had those before, but I have never felt that I truly had a partner. Someone who supports me, someone who encourages me to adapt, grow and become the best version of me possible. So, whether you like it or not buddy, you're my partner. ;)
I'm sorry that sometimes you have to watch me live through the scars of my past. I know you don't mind and I shouldn't be sorry, but I want you to know that you make me feel so safe. I know that you will take care of me even when I can't care for myself.
I can't thank you enough for being my soulmate. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Sincerely, Your Soulmate, Courtney
I have failed in my relationships, there's no denying. But those failures shaped me as a person, taught me what I need in a partner and what I want to try and avoid and somehow that helped me find the one person that I was searching for all along. Every past lover was exactly right for me in that time and faith pulled us together so that we could learn from each other.
Please take what I say with a grain of salt because there was so much more to each of these individuals than how we ended. They are not bad people. They needed to learn and grow as well and this is just my perception. There is two sides to every story.
With the craziness of Covid-19, I wanted to have a guest writer for you next week but that may have to come at a later date. Next weeks Failure Journal shall remain a surprise until then. Stay safe, avoid going out in public whenever it is not necessary and WASH YO HANDS.